Kampua Talk

When it comes to dating, especially with a guy that we really like, girls (and guys too) tend to make it a point to look/dress/smell the best! Therefore, it is very crucial for us to choose the best dress which doesn’t say “I’m a slut!” but screams “I’m sexy!”, the best look i.e. make up, that does not need to cover the face with foundation/powder as thick as the Great Wall of China, the best smelling perfume that’s sweet but not too sweet and at the same time elegant with a scent of confidence, the best hairstyle that doesn’t look like Amy Winehouse’s old beehive, heels, earrings,necklace, nails and even to the panties! Yes, you heard me right, even the panties is important, though you don’t expect to show it at the end of the night, but who knows, right?!

Anyway, 2 hours before your date came to pick you from your house, you’ve started to get ready, just in case The first thing that we worry about is “What to wear?”

You have a wardrobe full of clothes and yet you just cannot find any thing nice to impress that guy you are going out with. But if you’ve known about the date a week ago, you have plenty of time to plan! The most common thing to do is go shopping! Choose a theme for the type of dress you are looking for. Personally, for a perfect date, I’d go for simple and yet classy theme, something that can be smart casual, so that if he brings me to a classy restaurant, I’d not look out of place

Okay, okay, I’m too lazy to move my butt from shop to shop in the shopping malls, sue me! Why not? She practically sells everything you need for a date! Anyway, the dress has been chosen, what’s next? Neck area too bare?

There!

After looking at myself in the mirror for some time, something doesn’t feel right! No, it’s not food poisoning. It’s the necklace! Too small for anyone, even myself, to notice. Change change change!

Ahh!!! Better!

Of course you can opt for something like this:

But I prefer to be clean and neat, i.e. not cluttered. This is a bit messy for my likings but on other occasions, it’ll look great!

Next, earrings. I normally wear small, slightly dangling earrings because my hair is going to cover my ears so it will not be visible anyway. I won’t get too fussy in this department but personally, HUGE dangling earrings are a big no-no if you have long hair or long face or both because it is going to make you look like a horse! Anyway, for shoes, I’ll wear something that’s comfortable and not some killer heels that’s so gorgeous that it’ll eventually kill my feet!

Like I’ve mentioned earlier, panties is also as crucial. Even bra has come to a revolution of wonderment. Girls with chest that an Airbus 330 could land gracefully can have their non-existent boobs squeezed to an overflowing A cup without having to go under the knife. Wonderbra has been claimed to be able to push your boobs from the basement to the 8th floor who says inner wear is not important?!

I don’t know about you, but wearing something sexy underneath will make you feel sexy too. And when you feel sexy, everything else about you is sexy. So, if you are expecting to get laid show your G-sting that night after your date, you better keep one of this

Peek-a-boo!

And what happen after that is totally up to you

Buy 1 get 1 free!!!

No price for guessing what I got for purchasing all that. Yea, I got Playboy Bunny Nicole for free!

PS: Nicole, don’t whack kao me for using your pictures ya

Disclaimer: This is not a paid review!

That’s it, kids! Holiday’s over! Time to go back to school!

I started work in December, which coincided with the school holiday so there was not much traffic on the road. However, school is starting today and the route that I normally travel to go to work was so jammed that I can virtually imagine a tortoise overtaking a row of a hundred cars so fast at its normal speed.

Sitting in the car, stuck in the jam, I recalled my first days of school every year back when I was still in school. Going to bed the night before was the hardest thing to do because over the holiday, I was so used to sleeping late and waking up late. But a kid gotta do what a kid gotta do, i.e. study hard, get good result, enter a university and get a degree that cannot even assure a job in the future.

Anyway, back to the night before school reopened, I’d set my alarm clock 30 minutes earlier than usual so that I could reach school earlier. So at 5.30am, the alarm went off. One of my hands would automatically reach for that button to stop the alarm clock from screaming while my eyes remained shut. 10 minutes later my body automatically dragged itself to the bathroom to clean up and get ready for school.

The school bag for the first day was always empty except for a pencil and a piece of paper to copy my timetable for the academic year. It was jammed as early as 6.30am. I normally went out at 6.15am to beat the jam and be one of the firsts to reach school so that I could grab the seat at the first or second row near the blackboard. I kiasu, can? I reached school 10 minutes later and discovered that I wasn’t the only one who was thinking of grabbing the front seat!

Almost half of my classmates were earlier than me! Fortunately, some of them were kiasu for another reason. While the rest of us kiasu-for-first-row-in-front were fighting for the front seat, half of the early birds were kiasu for the first row, from the back of the class. I was a few minutes late, so as expected, the first row in front and back were fully occupied! I quickly grabbed the seat in the middle of the second or third row in front.

Satisfied with the seat that I had selected, I sat there waiting for my friends to enter the classroom while people-watching. In my class, the middle part is always the city/town area where the most noisy bunch of us sat. That’s where all the activities happened, and the gossips too! And those at both side and the back of the class was the rural/outskirt area where the quietest girls sat. There wasn’t much activities around the rural area except for some breathing and blinking

So, do you remember your first days when school reopened? Which kiasu are you: first row in front or the back?

Now I know where the phrase “beer belly” came from, literally!

With a blink of an eye, it is the last day of the year. Time can be a real bitch sometimes. Well, as I have mentioned in my previous post, it is time to reflect on the year gone by and what goals you have met or did not meet.

Yes, it is the time for New Year’s resolutions! I wonder why I keep making new year’s resolution when I cannot seem to even keep them. Well, the enthusiasm of making new year’s resolutions is like having an orgasm, i.e. temporary only. The list will be all forgotten on the third day of new year and the rest of the year.

Last year, I made a list (it’s somewhere in the blog but I am sure you will not click on it anyway):

• Exercise and keep fit
  I had supper almost every night the whole year through and my tummy is overflowing out of my underwear. If you noticed, I don’t post pictures of myself anymore because I’ve grown horizontally out of proportion! So much for exercising and keeping fit. Psst, shopping count or not ah?
• Travel to a new place
  I think so. Does Sematan, Lanciao Lachau, Sarikei, Serian, and all those little towns on the way to Sibu from Kuching count? Those are new places to me though. Okay lah, counted!
• Get better result than last year
  The result remained the same as last year’s. Now that I have graduated and found a job, who cares about result anymore?!
• Find a good job in KL (that pays well too)
  Found an interesting job in Kuching instead. No comment on the latter part anyway.
• Keep my blog updated regularly
  I think I did. Except for this month I think.
• Go snorkelling
  This one I didn’t do.

The verdict? 2 out of 6, FAILED! Big time! Maybe I shouldn’t make a new year’s resolutions at all. Hahaha! But for 2009, I’d like to do something, you know, different. Here’s what I have in mind:

• Discard the bad elements
  This include things, people and attitude. Clear the clutter in my wardrobe (old clothes), handbag (tissue paper, paper, sweet wrapper, receipts, etc), wallet (expired member cards, receipt from ATM, etc), shoes cupboard (old, spoiled shoes), room, house, etc. As for people, it’s time to discard people I don’t need in my life, e.g. toxic friends, parasites, hi-bye friends, frenemies, etc. And there are bad attitudes that I have to discard as well.
• Lose weight and that stubborn love handles
  I’ve failed to do this 2 years in a row! Let’s see if I can do it next year.
• Refrain from catching too much snakes
  Oh you know what I mean…
• Travel to a new place
  This is a must every year.
• Do something new
  Like what? Still thinking…
• Join a competition

In the meantime, let’s bid goodbye to 2008 and welcome 2009!

“Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?…”

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!!!

It seems like only yesterday that we were counting down to welcome Year 2008 and before we realized what hit us, it’s the end of the year already! Personally, this is the right time to reflect on our success, failure, action, lesson learnt, people we met, things that you’ve done or not done, attitude, etc on the whole year and see what we gain out of it.

Year 2008 started uneventfully with the demise of my paternal grandfather when I was about to start a new, which was also the last term in university. May God rest his soul. Therefore, Chinese New Year was not celebrated grandly, just family affair.

Anyway, I finished my tertiary education at the end of April without much chaos apart from a few warning letters for skipping too much classes After that I went down to KL and was in dilemma of whether to look for a job in KL or Kuching. However the dilemma was put aside to take care of my dad who was constantly in and out of the hospital.

I tried to get away from the depressing environment of the hospital but my conscience told me otherwise. I came to a conclusion that the hospital is indeed a very depressing and migrane-inducing place. The sight of the building alone brought headache to me. The place is so full of negative energy that my positive energy was sucked out and I was left as grumpy and agitated as an old lady.

I re-energized by going to KL for a short trip and at the same time attending an invitation from Nuffnang to a Pole Dancing Workshop. I met HANNAH TAN

and PIETRO!

I was hoping to bump into Amber Chia again but I was not that lucky this time. Heh!

Then it was back and forth the hospital again looking after my dad. Before I knew what was coming, my dad relapsed one evening under my care and passed away two days later on 9/11. Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord. And let perpetual light shine upon him. May he rest in peace. Amen.

I stayed home for a month before moving on to look for a job in Kuching to be near my family. Why not Sibu? There’s no prospect of the field that I’m looking for in Sibu. So the nearest place would be Kuching. After a couple of dozens of resumes being dumped everywhere around Kuching, my handphone remained silent.

I was not informed of my graduation in October and only came to know about it last minute. What a bummer! It was madness! But to cut the long story short, I managed to make it to my graduation ceremony and officially graduated, with my mom witnessing everything. The initial plan was that we’d all, i.e. my dad, my mom, my bro and me, attend my graduation before going for a vacation in Langkawi. It didn’t come true. A lot of things happened in a matter of months. Ah, well, that’s life!

Anyway, a month after I officially graduated, I was called for a few job interviews, got accepted for a few jobs, rejected most of them and finally accepted a permanent job. The job is …[fill in the blank yourself]…, the pay is _ _ _ _ _ _ [try guessing, it’s a 6-letter word], my colleagues are mostly female, married with kids and over 35 years old but the things I learnt are all new and interesting

They say, after every storm there will be a rainbow. I guess this saying pretty much summed up my year of 2008. I got storm for three quarter of the year and after that the sea is calm though I can’t see any visible rainbow yet. Maybe it’s there but I just overlooked it (?)

In conclusion, Year 2008 contained a series of unfortunate events for me which might be a blessing in disguise, I don’t know, but I’m trying to look at the bright side of everything here. Well, the New Year 2009 is coming and I am not sure if I am ready to welcome it yet because all those events that happened this year made me ponder a lot. I am looking forward to see a beautiful rainbow in 2009 though we’re being forewarned to expect recession and not-so-good year. Bah, these are said by over-commercialized so-called feng shui masters.

*cue to the song Somewhere Over The Rainbow*

It’s Christmas Eve today and I’m sure all the stupid kids around the world are writing letters to Santa. If Santa does exist, what do you think his reply to the letters would be if he received them?

1. Dear Santa,
   I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
   Yer frend,
   Billy

   Dear Billy,
   Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How ’bout I send you a fxxxing book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
   Santa

2. Dear Santa,
   I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody.
   Love, Sarah.

   Dear Sarah,
   Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
   Santa

3. Dear Santa,
   I’ve written to you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
   Love, Joey

   Dear Joey,
   Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.
   Santa

4. Dear Santa,
   I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
   Love, Michelle

   Dear Michelle,
   It blows my fxxxing mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more of your speed, like “Snakes and Ladders”.
   Santa

5. Dear Santa,
   I want a new bike, PS3, a train set, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
   Love, Francis

   Dear Francis,
   Who names their kids “Francis” nowadays?
   Santa

6. Dear Santa,
   I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
   Love, Susan

   Dear Susan,
   Milk gives me the run and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
   Santa

7. Dear Santa,
   What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
   Your friend, Thomas

   Dear Thomas,
   All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses’ asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
   Santa

8. Dear Santa,
   Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
   Love, Jessica

   Dear Jessica
   You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping your house…
   Santa

9. Dear Santa
   I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.
   Timmy

   Dear Timmy,
   That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater again.
   Santa

10. Dear Santa,
    We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
    Love, Marky Mark

    Dear Mark,
    Firstly, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
    Sweet dreams, Santa

Something light for the long weekend (if you’re taking Friday off).

Dear Santa,
I only want an unending supply of money. I don’t mind USD, though.
Love, Clare

Dear Clare,
Go and fxxx yourself! I want that too so I don’t have to work every Christmas!
Santa

Kampua Talk would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday!