Kampua Talk

It’s Christmas Eve today and I’m sure all the stupid kids around the world are writing letters to Santa. If Santa does exist, what do you think his reply to the letters would be if he received them?

1. Dear Santa,
   I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
   Yer frend,
   Billy

   Dear Billy,
   Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How ’bout I send you a fxxxing book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
   Santa

2. Dear Santa,
   I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody.
   Love, Sarah.

   Dear Sarah,
   Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
   Santa

3. Dear Santa,
   I’ve written to you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
   Love, Joey

   Dear Joey,
   Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.
   Santa

4. Dear Santa,
   I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
   Love, Michelle

   Dear Michelle,
   It blows my fxxxing mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more of your speed, like “Snakes and Ladders”.
   Santa

5. Dear Santa,
   I want a new bike, PS3, a train set, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
   Love, Francis

   Dear Francis,
   Who names their kids “Francis” nowadays?
   Santa

6. Dear Santa,
   I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
   Love, Susan

   Dear Susan,
   Milk gives me the run and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
   Santa

7. Dear Santa,
   What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
   Your friend, Thomas

   Dear Thomas,
   All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses’ asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
   Santa

8. Dear Santa,
   Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
   Love, Jessica

   Dear Jessica
   You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping your house…
   Santa

9. Dear Santa
   I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.
   Timmy

   Dear Timmy,
   That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater again.
   Santa

10. Dear Santa,
    We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
    Love, Marky Mark

    Dear Mark,
    Firstly, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
    Sweet dreams, Santa

Something light for the long weekend (if you’re taking Friday off).

Dear Santa,
I only want an unending supply of money. I don’t mind USD, though.
Love, Clare

Dear Clare,
Go and fxxx yourself! I want that too so I don’t have to work every Christmas!
Santa

Kampua Talk would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday!