Kampua Talk

Fast-lane Hogger
You were driving at 80kmph on the fast lane, trying to overtake all the 40kmph-ers. After 5 cars, you had to reduce your speed to that of the ones you were overtaking because right in front of you, there was this car (usually a Perodua/Proton car) driving as fast as the one which was on the left-lane.

You flashed your headlights at it. Nothing happened. You flashed again. The damn car is still driving so slowly. From your rear mirror, you can see a row of cars getting longer. The ones on your left which you had just overtaken, is slowly overtaking you. When you see that the slow-lane is clear, you signaled to overtake from the left. As soon as you do that, the damn-slow car cut right into the left lane in front of you, didn’t matter with or without signalling. There you go, stuck behind the fast-lane hogger again. And the cycle repeats.

Traffic Light Crawler
Once the traffic light turns green, if you’re on Neutral, it takes you a second to engage your gear to D (if you are driving an automatic) or 1st gear (if you are driving a manual), step onto the accelerator and speed off, right?

For traffic light crawler, that is not the case. When the traffic light turns green, these crawler take 2 seconds to realize it, 2 seconds to engage to the right gear (additional 3 seconds if engage the wrong gear), 1 second to lower the handbrake, another second to step onto the accelerator (additional 8 seconds if it’s a manual and your engine dies off in the process) before speeding off. How many cars would have been able to past the traffic light if that much time was not wasted in the first place? You do the Math.

Anyway, there’s another type of traffic light crawler. You saw the green of the traffic light 100 meters ahead. After doing some mental calculations, you are positive that you can past the traffic light right before it turns yellow. Somehow or another, there was a car (usually of Proton/Perodua/sometimes Vios) in front of you hogging the whole road, so you are forced to maintain the same speed as the asshole. when you are only 10 meters away from the traffic light, the light turns yellow. The slow car in front of you was suddenly turbo-charged! By the time you wanted to cross the traffic light, the light from the other side of the junction had turned green and you have to stop and wait for God-knows-how-long at the traffic light. You swore and cursed but you cannot do anything *shrug*

Scrap Metal Owner
The vehicle is so old, you can practically see screws falling off and rattling sounds as it drives past. Last evening I just witnessed such incident near the Simpang Tiga roundabout during peak hour. A beat-up van was coming out from the junction, where the police station is located, into the lane heading for the flyover. Halfway through the busy traffic, the trunk opened suddenly and things (eg. wires, tool box, etc) dropped out from it onto the road. A lot of drivers behind the scrap metal were slamming on their emergency brakes.

The inconsiderate driver just stopped his van in the middle of the busy road to pick up his stuff! I bet with my chipmunk’s dog’s life that the owner of this scrap metal would definitely be slapped a hefty fine if inspected by the PUSPAKOM.

P-Drivers
These drivers are easy to spot. They have a red and white bumper sticker displayed on their front and back windscreen. Most P-drivers love to flatter themselves (syok sendiri lah) as “Professional” Drivers *puke* But seriously, if you observe carefully, they really are a bunch of phopheysional drivers *applause*

Being young and immature, getting a driving license is like getting a license to freedom. So when they get to drive, they drive as if there’s no such thing as traffic law or the existence of other vehicles on the road. They speed, zig-zag through heavy traffic, etc and are the most likely to get cursed on the road One such idiot just killed my friend’s parents (both of them!) not too long ago!

Spoilt Brat Driving Rich Father’s Luxury Car
Most of these spoilt brats are P-drivers and drive like one too. These brats depreciate/downgrade the brands of luxury cars when they bring their fathers’ Lexus, BMW, Mercedes, Fairlady, etc on the road and drive like assholes. Well, they only want to show off.

Housewife Driving Rich Husband’s Luxury Car
Mostly aunties driving their husband’s luxury cars like any other ordinary cars. They drive the cars as if it is way too big to fit the road (they take up a quarter of your lane) and they cannot judge properly. It is such a waste really to let the menopausal women drive such good and powerful cars.

Phone-mula One Driver
Their hand never leave their ear, with a mobile phone sandwiched in between, talking animatedly with the other hand gesturing at the steering wheel as if the caller/listener can actually SEE them through the phone. Hands-free kit? Never heard of it.

Worse, some drivers punched furiously on their mobile phone keypad with their thumb as they step onto the accelerator, taking their eyes off the road for a second every now and then. So their concentration is obviously off the road as their vehicles suddenly reduce in speed and are swerving left and right.

I think Phone-mula One is the only sport that Malaysian would be able to champ in the Olympics.

Mini Cooper Wannabes
From what I observed, most of Mini Wannabes are of Proton and Perodua productions. Kancil, Kelisa, Savvy, etc and Waja even, have this white stripes from the front to the back of their vehicles like this:

Well, if the double stripes are on a Mini, they are normal, original and do not look cheap(skate). Try doing that to the Wannabes, they look like a double-line on the road. I’ve always imagined the Wannabes parking their cars in the middle of a bridge when the town/city authority is painting the road and the painter just paint over the cars and thus the double line on these Wannabes. LOL! Worse, I’ve seen a Wannabe actually has the double-line on the left side of the car instead of middle (looking from above)

I-Love-To-Liwat-You Drivers (Tailgaters)
You were driving at 80kmph on the fast lane, overtaking a row of 40kmph-ers. From your rear mirror, you saw a car (most probably a Kancil/Kelisa/Kenari/Atos/Myvi/Savvy/sometimes Vios) approaching. They tailgate you very closely, i.e. an inch from your exhaust, as if your carbon monoxide is like perfume to them.

Since they like to liwat poke you (your car) from the backside, maybe we should teach them a lesson by suddenly slam on the emergency brake! Muahahahhahahahahaha!

Mat Rempit Not-so Furious
(Motor)Bikers are a nuisance on the road. Why would you hog the fast lane at 20kmph when there was a motorcycle lane for you on the left? Not only that, they ride at 20kmph in the middle of the fast lane. They won’t budge even if you flashed your headlights or honked.

They come out of all the junctions without acknowledging if there are cars approaching. They drive as if their motorcycle is so small and un-noticeable that they overtake without looking/signaling. This category could be a topic of its own.

The Goldfinger
Showing the goldfinger is like a greeting to them. They showed it every time they overtake you. They showed it after they honk you. But most of the time, the people who showed the goldfinger are uneducated and uncivilized chao ah beng driving cars with tinted windows, an arm hanging out of the opened driver side window (smoking or not doesn’t matter), techno blarring indicating free music for all to hear their tone deaf taste of music noise, etc.

If you have better car, they don’t like it if you overtake/flashing headlights at/honking them. They are going to do all of the above plus a salutation with the goldfinger after that.

The Aeroplane Wannabe
Usually a Proton/Perodua car (and Atos too) with modifications all over. These people have the impression that modified engine and exhaust pipe will increase their horse power by 40%, an additional dummy exhaust will have their cars turbo charged, lowering the skirt is going to add another 450 horse power, changing their headlights to deep purple will give them night vision and hence add 300 extra horse power, chrome-y sports rims will give extra 600 horse power and an additional of a GT spoiler will add 1500 horse power to their car and can cause the car to be airborned whenever you want it.

If you have so much money to do modification, why don’t you just blardy get yourself an Evo? Oh, right, those are cheap rubbish made in China (eg. dummy exhaust, plastic skirt, cheap purple bulb, fake-looking rims, plastic spoiler), so you don’t have to spend that much to modify your milo tin car.

That’s all I can think of at the moment. I could write a book on this topic alone from my everyday observations. Any category that I have forgotten?