Kampua Talk

They probably think that we have too much time in hand. They probably think that we do not know the right way. They probably think that they are putting government’s money to some good use (read as wasting them). They probably think that they are doing the right thing. They probably think what they did will benefit us. It’s all about what they think!

Do you know that ONE thing that my shathole university does that annoys the hell out of me got my eyes rolling till they got stuck at the back of my head? They FORCED us to attend a protocol workshop with a threat “you cannot graduate without having a certificate to proof that you have attended the workshop“.

Therefore, whether we like it or not, we have to register ourselves and pay RM5 to attend the workshop just to get the crappy piece of paper (for wasting our time) that most of us, I am sure, will not even show for our job interview later.

Imagine the number of ninja turtles hua nas/malays that I am surrounded with everyday. In the crowd of colourful tudungs, how many Chinese can you spot? Don’t waste time trying to spot them, no prize for guessing the right answer though.

Sitting at the back of the hall is something I normally do when something not worth my concentration and time listening to is made compulsory. The first 2 hours was dedicated to theories on the proper etiquette on how to dress up for a formal function and how to eat properly which we have already known for ages. Such a waste of time listening to the long-winded explanation on everything. So, sitting at the back of the hall had its advantages, like playing games on your PSP.

After the 2 hours lectures, we were given an hour break when we were allowed to wander around the area or have tea and some cucur udang.

We were warned by those who have already attended this workshop not to attend with an empty stomach. Fortunately, there was light snack being sold by the coffee house here selling cucur udang for RM1.50 per plate and teh tarik for RM2.00 (so expensive!). The picture was secretly taken of a group of students having their snacks.

After 1 hour, we were asked to go back into the hall and act WITH proper etiquette from the moment we step into the hall till the end of the dinner. First we were served the appetizer:

Bun and butter. We were supposed to eat it WITH etiquette! First, we have to tear off the bun into a tiny bit with our left hand, use the butter knife to spread the butter onto the bread with our right hand and push the bit of bun into our mouth, chew and swallow. Repeat the whole thing until you finish the whole bun. How tiring could it be! And it took half an hour to finish the whole damn bun! My friend who was playing games on his PSP cut the bun into half with the butter knife, spread the whole surface with the butter and ate the bun like a burger! “Too much trouble!” he said. Since our table had 2 extra buns, he ate a total of 3 buns for appetizer!

Cream mushroom soup (I don’t know the name but the soup tasted like that) that came together with the bun. Also an appetizer. We are supposed to grab the soup spoon on the far right and scoop the soup towards the opposite direction of our body before we can drink it off the soup spoon. Keep drinking the soup that way until you almost finished the soup. Then slightly tilt the soup bowl away from your body and scoop the remaining of the soup to finish it. Do not make slurping noises.

Then came the main course:

The chicken chop. The skin was so tough and rubbery that it took forever to finish the damn chicken! You are supposed to cut the chicken into small piece before you eat it. With a fork on your left hand and a knife on your right hand (for lefties, the opposite applies), you hold the chicken down with your fork and slice it with the knife before eating. Repeat steps for the whole piece of chicken. Your fork must be facing down all the time. So when eating the coleslaw, put your fork, facing down, near the coleslaw and then use your knife to push a bit of the coleslaw onto the fork before putting it into your mouth. After you finish eating, your knife and fork should be placed parallel next to each other on the plate, to tell the waiter that he/she can take your plate away. If you still want to continue eating, place your fork and knife in an ‘X’ position.

So much trouble. Let us just go to KFC where you can use your hands anytime and no one is going to tell you anything about etiquette! Its “Finger-licking good” and not “Knife-licking good”, you’d have sliced your tongue if you do that! Finally, came the dessert:

Caramel pudding. The dark sauce on and around it was gula melaka. Too sweet for my likings. We are supposed to eat it with the dessert spoon, in no specific way. The pudding was so slippery and we had a hard time getting it onto our dessert spoon, never mind the etiquette! After that only they handed out the piece of paper that we have been wasting 4 hours of our time for.

A total of 2 hours was needed to finish the whole meal and the thought of eating them properly would have made you losing your appetite even if you are hungry in the first place. Well, to be frank, I did not listen to the lecture and the above so-called ‘proper’ ways of eating a certain dish were basically from my personal knowledge.

Now you tell me, have you heard of any university (apart from mine) that makes it compulsory for the graduating students to attend this course?