Kampua Talk

Lee Sum Wan: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr Sore Ree: Yes, you could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sore Ree: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan: I am Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent!
Mr Sore Ree: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan: Well, just tell my sister, Annie Wan, that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sore Ree: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident, that isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sore Ree: I’m Sore Ree.
Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sore Ree: I’m Sore Ree!!
Lee Sum Wan: I don’t like your tone of voice, mister and I don’t care, give me your name!
Mr Sore Ree: Look, lady. I told you already I’m Sore Ree! I’m Sore Ree!!! I’m SORE REE!!! You didn’t even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan: I told you before I’m Sum Wan! SUM WAN!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Bah Dee. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Bah Dee.
Mr Sore Ree: [sarcastically] Oh, I am scared! Look, I don’t care about your uncle! He’s a nobody! Everybody thinks he’s top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan: No, Avery Bah Dee just married my aunt. And Avery Bah Dee doesn’t work there!
Mr Sore Ree: Like I said I don’t care which one of your aunts screws everybody and I also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!
Lee Sum Wan: Witch Wan is my sister!
Mr Sore Ree: I don’t know which one is your sister! Why in God’s name you think I do? Look, I got work to do and if I’m feeling mischievious, I’ll broadcast it on the PA system saying:

Attention, someone called and said that anyone’s brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyway. The father may be a somebody but if you are their uncle, you’re a nobody. And it’s not true about her aunt screwing everybody because I haven’t screwed her yet!”

How about that?

TOOT… TOOT… TOOT…

Now who says life is easy? As much as you like/want your life to be as hassle-free as anything, there just have to be some dark creatures lurking at the hidden corner out of your sight, waiting to pounce on you and make your life miserable.

The conversation above reminds me of a scene in Rush Hour 3.

Carter: Who are you?
Old man: I’m Yu.
Carter: I mean you. Who are you?
Old man: I’m Yu.
Young man: He is Yu.
Carter: And who the hell are you?
Young man: I am Mi.

If you are a guy and your surname happen to be Liaw or Ch’ng or Chin, be careful when naming your kids, especially chinese names. You don’t want your daughter, Lucy Liaw (in Hokkien means you are dead) or Monica Ch’ng (in Hokkien means touch your butt) to be the laughing stock, do you? If you want your kid to grow up having ego bigger than his/her brain, then go ahead and name him/her Chin Kia Su. Anyway, my point is, don’t just simply name your kids. Chow Chee Bai is not a funny name although others may find it funny and offensive. Lau Sai Kia means diarrhoea kid in Hokkien and Paul Chan means bankrupt in Cantonese. You get the drill.

I know of someone popular back in hometown with the name Arthur Wee (no offence, sir!) who got the nickname Ah-Tay Wee (meaning yellow nether region in Hokkien) when he was young. Poor guy was being called Ah-Tay Wee from across the street whenever naughty kids in town saw him. That was back then in the 50s or was it 60s(?) when I was not even born yet. I don’t know if he still remembers it but I bet most of his students do not know this, remember you read it first in Kampua Talk! I guess those who used to laughed at him before (I think they are either in their 50s or dead) would not believe that he would be one of the most popular figure (his figure is popular too!) in town.